I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming

(Thanks to Korn, an excerpt of whose song "Thoughtless" is my title for today; more lyrics are included below.)

At least once a month, I hear about a party thrown by someone at work to which most of the office is invited and I am not. I really thought that sort of crap was supposed to end somewhere around high school graduation. I got sick of it after two years of constantly dealing with it when I was a cheerleader (--the one the other cheerleaders hated and ignored and tried to get kicked off so one of their friends could be a cheerleader instead) and pretty much spent my entire senior year in a bitter funk. And then I went through the goth phase and at least I found a scene where some people liked me and wanted to hang out with me and thought I was cool. In State College, thanks mostly to the obsessive crush of someone who barely knew me, I even had a bunch of groupies, most of whom I'd never met. And of course, being me, I was afraid of talking to any of them, because I figured they'd be disappointed by the real me. I both liked and was trapped by the mystique, but it was better than being the weird, moody kid everyone in high school mocked or treated as if she was invisible.

I don't know why not being invited to these parties messes me up so much. In many cases, I wouldn't go anyway. In some cases, I don't even like the person throwing the party any more than they apparently like me. But it still bothers me. I'd rather be hated than invisible, but I'd really prefer neither of those options.

The thing is, though, that it makes me feel like my own attempts, halfhearted and reluctant, to become an adult just aren't worth it. I don't wear goth makeup anymore. I try to dress like a professional person for work, even though I still mostly wear black. My therapist and various other people who I know have my best interest in mind keep trying to convince me that growing up is good, and I can let go of my angry inner adolescent, and hurting myself is "immature" and "unhealthy" and will scare away healthy people. But sometimes I don't feel like the tradeoff is worth it. Socially (because I have no social life outside of work), I feel invisible again, bland and neutral, forgettable. And I hate that. I hate wondering what's wrong with me and why I'm not cool enough and why someone might possibly decide to snub me. I hate that it matters. I hate that I obsess about it.

I don't have the energy to be consistently, existentially angry anymore, or maybe I've just learned to sometimes funnel the energy in other directions. I've been listening to HIM a lot lately (which is sort of like being in high school, except with a melodrama-parodying self-awareness that I lacked back then--I mean the CD is called "Razorblade Romance"; how much more absurdly melancholic can you get?). But some days I feel like I'm 16 again, and that just makes me want to cut myself and listen to Korn and try to put curses on people and hate everyone.

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
Pushing all the mercy down, down, down
I wanna see you try to take a swing at me
Come on, gonna put you on the ground, ground, ground

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the f*** you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty a** in front of me

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
I'm above you, smiling as you, drown, drown, drown
I wanna kill and rape you the way you raped me
And I'll pull the trigger
And you're down, down, down

All my friends are gone, they died (gonna take you down)
They all screamed, and cried (gonna take you down)

All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned
by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming