Maybe this is why I'm single, Part I

So my mother, who (unlike me) is home on many weekday afternoons and (also unlike me) prefers to counter boredom with Dr. Phil rather than, say, sleep or watching Halloween for the 80th time, saw a show recently on how single women and men can meet each other.

This seems to be a popular theme on both Dr. Phil and Oprah, according to my mother. Nice, eligible single men have as much trouble meeting nice, eligible single women as vice versa, from what she sees on these shows. What are these men like? I ask her. Do they have decent jobs? Do they seem cool to hang out with? Are they cute? Well, she doesn't know if I'd find them cute, but sure, they seem clean-cut and nice. (Anyone who knows me can probably imagine the sound of nails being pounded HARD into a coffin lid at those words. And yeah, I know, that could be part of my problem...)

So this most recent show featured a man who has made a study, and apparently a business, out of identifying (cue up Connie Francis) where the boys are, and how the girls can meet them--in places other than bars and online dating services. His approach: Look for the ring. Don't see one? Move in, with a question designed to break the ice and make him feel like an expert. Because men really, really like that.

Number one spot to meet guys, says this man? The farmer's market! Say something like, "How can you tell what makes a really good tomato?" or "Do you know any recipes that require organic rhubarb?"

Hmmm, I think. The farmer's market. I can see it now...well, actually, I can't, because the only way I'd ever be up early enough to hit the farmer's market is if I hadn't gone to bed yet. Crazy, no-sleep, up-all-night girl meets fresh-faced, organic juice, rise-with-the-sun boy. Not seeing it. Besides, no way could I maneuver amongst stalls of fresh produce without having an apocalyptic bout of sneezing. And that just doesn't make for a really positive icebreaker. "Hi, excuse me? Do you have a hanky I can borrow to clean up this glob of green stuff hanging off the end of my nose?" Yeah. Not so much.

I don't remember the number two place, but number three is the hardware store--your local Lowe's or Home Depot. Brave a section other than the paint aisle, find a ringless man, and ask him, "Can you help me decide on the kind of lumber to use for my new gazebo?" or "Do you know how to install a ceiling fan?"

So I'm thinking yeah...the hardware store...then I hear the "approach him with a question" bit and I think, Wait, back it up a minute. If he's some random shopper, I'm not going to ask him a question like that! I'm not going to assume that just because of his gender, he knows how to install a ceiling fan or recommend lumber. And even if he seems knowledgeable, I'm not going to trust his answer. That's why the hardware store has employees; that's why there's an Internet.

Sunday afternoon, however, I found myself in the position of wanting to be out of my house (thanks to a mold issue) and broke. So I figured I'd go price some stuff and check out some other stuff at the hardware stores. And while I was there, I noticed a guy with a shopping cart, which reminded me of the "meeting single men at the hardware store" idea, so I decided to keep half an eye out.

Here's what I observed over the course of 15 minutes or so: Three men without rings. Dressed, you know, unremarkably--you couldn't tell anything about them from their attire. No visible tats. Shopping carts. Very confused expressions on their faces.

And I think how utterly stupid this approach is, at least for me.

First of all, I'm not going to ask someone for advice when he looks even more clueless than I am. Second of all, the single thing I know about any of these men is that they aren't wearing a wedding ring. Could have a fiance. Could have taken off the ring in the course of their home-improvement project and haven't put it back on yet. Could be gay. Could, for that matter, be a serial killer.

Thinking or even knowing a guy is single just isn't enough. It's why I don't go to and don't like the idea of singles groups. It's why I am not particularly open to the idea of trying to meet someone online. Because there has to be more in common for me, at the outset, or the conversation will never advance beyond sharing the name of a good electrician or saying a tomato looks juicy. I've always believed and hoped that I would meet someone, and that it would happen in the course of me doing what I like doing anyway. Sure, I'd probably meet more guys if I went to Sand Gnats games, but I think baseball is really boring.

The problem is that most of the things I like are pretty solitary, or they're things that you do with people you already know. I don't know how to meet people. I suck at getting from the acquaintance-having-an-interesting-conversation to the making-plans-to-ever-see-this-person-again phase. It isn't even necessarily meeting people that's the challenge; it's meeting people that I wish I knew better, or figuring out how to express interest in getting to know someone better without coming off too strongly or coming on like I'm interested when I might not be. I seem to have a problem with all of the above.

So it isn't that I don't know guys. What I keep coming back to is that none of these is the right guy, and somewhere there IS a right guy, and when I meet him things won't be so complicated. But maybe he doesn't exist. Who knows? All I can conclude is that "trying to find someone" is not my cup of tea. Even if that means I'm sipping alone.